Question #2: Do my friends and family approve?
In Song of Solomon 1:2-4a the Shulamite says of Solomon: 1) He’s physically attractive (v.2), 2) He’s got godly character and a good reputation (v.3) and 3) For all these reasons and more she says: I’m very much looking forward to marrying him (v.4a). Now look how her friends respond. In Song of Solomon 1:4b her friends say “We rejoice and delight in you; we will praise your love more than wine.” Simply put: Her friends approve of the relationship! Solomon has passed the friendship test! Make sure whoever you’re wanting to date (or want to continue dating) also passes the friendship test.
What about the family? How did they feel about Solomon? In chapter 2:8-9 Solomon comes for a visit (you see, she lived out in the country in Lebanon, while Solomon lived in the city in Jerusalem). We read nowhere of the Shulamite’s parents trying to run Solomon off when he arrives. And on the wedding day that we read of in chapter 3 when the pastor marrying them said “If anyone knows any reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now, or forever hold his peace” we don’t read of the father or mother yelling “Because we hate him!” You see, both friends and family approved of their being together.
Oh! The grief you could avoid if you would just listen to some outside input! I remember this one time in college a good friend started dating a bad girl. When he asked me what I thought I literally told him, and I quote, “She’s the devil and you need to run from her!” Instead, he decided to marry her. As you could image, that made the relationship a little more than awkward for a while. Well, I’ve been walking him through the many problems he’s had in his marriage for the last seven years or so. It’s been a rocky, rocky road for him. Several years into his marriage, he called me and told me they were considering divorce and that he made a mistake in marrying her and that he should’ve listened to me. Oh! If he had only listened to some outside input he never would’ve had to deal with all the problems he’s now experiencing.
But why didn’t he listen? It’s the same reason some of you won’t listen to outside input. My friend was so desperate to be with someone that he was willing to be with the wrong someone just so he wouldn’t be alone. New Day – Don’t make that same mistake! Don’t be so desperate to be with someone that you settle for the wrong someone just you won’t be alone.
Here’s why you need some outside perspective (that family and friends provide).When you’re falling in love, you don’t see or think clearly. Let me illustrate…Put your open hand right up to your nose (your hand should be touching your nose). Ok – here’s my question: Can you see your hand clearly? Of course not! Ok, now I want you to move your open hand about one foot from your nose. Here’s my question: Can you see clearly now? Yes! When you’re dating someone it’s like trying to see your hand clearly when it’s resting on top of your nose – you just can’t do it! Your friends and family though are not right up in the relationship. From a distance they can see the relationship in focus and have a perspective you don’t (and can’t) have.
The input of your friends and family are invaluable when you’re dating someone. I’m not a supporter of pre-arranged marriages or anything, but the fact that the divorce rate among those whose marriages were prearranged (by their family) supports what I’m saying – that an outside perspective can statistically be trusted more than our own! The divorce rate for people whose marriages were prearranged is 4%. On the other hand, the divorce rate in America (where we choose our own marriage partner) is about 50%.
When I started to fall in love with Kristin, the first time I brought her home with me I invited Jon & Andrew (my two best friends growing up that are still my two closest friends today) to come out with Kristin and I. We went up to Northhampton. We walked around. We had dinner. And my closest friends got to talk with and interact with Kristin. They both approved that she was a great gal and that I wasn’t making the mistake of my life in pursing the relationship further. And when it came time to ask Kristin’s hand in marriage, after praying about it, the first thing I did was call my dad to see what he thought. After getting my dad’s approval, the second thing I did was call my mom to see what she thought. After getting my mom’s approval I sold my cherished drum set and bought a ring with it…because as the theologian Beyonce once said “If you like it, then put a ring on it.”
For those dating: I dare you to have the courage to go home today and to ask your closest friend(s) as well as your parents: What do you honestly think of who I’m dating? Do you think I’m in a healthy relationship? Do you have any concerns that you’d like to share with me? Their responses could be the confirmation you need to move forward in the relationship or the warning you need to get out of the relationship.