Archives for February 2015

There are three phases of a conflict that we learn of from Song of Solomon 5-7. In this post we’ll look at phase three.

Phase #3: From Regret to Reconciliation (5:9-6:10) 

So far (in my two previous posts) we’ve covered THE 4 SOURCES OF CONFLICT and THE 3 SINS OF CONFLICT. Now let’s look at THE 2 STEPS TO RESOLVING CONFLICT.

1. I will focus on the good and not the bad (Song of Solomon 5:10-16).   

In the midst of this marital spat, the Shulamite’s friends ask her a great question. This happens to be the very question we ought to ask a married friend that’s in a spat with their spouse. Listen close here. This question is SO helpful! The Shulamite’s friends ask her in Song of Solomon 5:9, “Why is your lover better than all others, O woman of rare beauty? What makes your lover so special that we must promise this?” In other words: You chose to marry him. He can’t be the monster you’re making him out to be. What did you initially like about him that made you fall in love with him? This got the Shulamite to shift her focus from the 20% she didn’t like about her husband to the 80% she did like about him. And it’s here we see the first of two steps in resolving conflict.

Look how the Shulamite responds to her friend’s question. Song of Solomon 5:10-16, “My lover is dark and dazzling, better than ten thousand others! His head is finest gold, his wavy hair is black as a raven. His eyes sparkle like doves beside springs of water; they are set like jewels washed in milk. His cheeks are like gardens of spices giving off fragrance. His lips are like lilies, perfumed with myrrh. His arms are like rounded bars of gold, set with beryl. His body is like bright ivory, glowing with lapis lazuli. His legs are like marble pillars set in sockets of finest gold. His posture is stately, like the noble cedars of Lebanon. His mouth is sweetness itself; he is desirable in every way [she’s saying that Solomon is physically attractive, spiritually attractive and emotionally attractive – every way she says] Such, O women of Jerusalem, is my lover, my friend.” Did you see what happened here? As soon as she stopped focusing on his weaknesses and started to focus on his strengths – she became eager to make up and resume their friendship and marriage.

News flash: No one will ever live up to 100% of your expectations. No one! Your spouse may meet 80% of your expectations. Well, that’s good but that still leaves 20% they don’t meet. Here’s what so many people do…They trade the 80% they have for someone else that has the 20% their spouse doesn’t have. And that’s so incredibly foolish! People who do this haven’t upgraded! They’ve downgraded! They’ve traded 80% for 20%! That’s so foolish! Don’t be that person! Focus on the good. The Shulamite lists 11 things she likes about her spouse. If you find yourself fighting a lot with your spouse, I would encourage you to create a list, like the Shulamite did, of all the qualities you admire and love about your spouse. When you’re in a fight and are tempted to think your spouse is the anti-Christ, pull out the list and read it. Hopefully, this will have the same effect on you, as it did on the Shulamite. Hopefully, it will soften your heart and prepare you for reconciliation. So #1: I will focus on the good, not the bad.

2. I will apologize (Song of Solomon 6:3). 

In Song of Solomon 6:3 she finds her husband in one of his gardens (Solomon had many) and she says to him “I am my lover’s, and my lover is mine.” This was her admission that she was wrong to use sex as a weapon (as something with which to hurt him with). Here she comes back to a biblical view saying “I am my lover’s and my lover is mine.” Paul echoes this same sentiment when he penned 1 Corinthians 7:4, “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.” Solomon accepts her apology and issues one of his own. Song of Solomon 6:8-9, “Even among sixty queens and eighty concubines and countless young women, I would still choose my dove, my perfect one…” Solomon says: Compared to my behavior, you’re practically perfect. This was Solomon’s apology.

Now some of you might find this hard to believe, but all of chapter 7 is the record of their make up sex – we’re not going to read it because last week was sex week – but that’s what chapter 7 is all about. Some of you didn’t know that make up sex was biblical but it is! And it’s much more fun than fighting! So once you resolve a conflict – chapter 7 is your next step.

You cannot sweep conflict under the rug – not with your boss, not with a friend, not with a co-worker and not with your spouse. There will always be something between you and them if you don’t resolve the conflict with an apology. You’ve heard the saying at a sporting event “It’s not over till the fat lady sings.” Well, when it comes to conflict, “It’s not over until an apology has been issued.” And I don’t care what the band One Republic says on the matter – it’s never too late to apologize. It’s never to late to say to your spouse (or whoever)…

• My expectations were unrealistic. I’m sorry.
• I was selfish. I’m sorry.
• I assumed the worst of you, not the best. I’m sorry.
• I retaliated. I’m sorry.

You don’t have to go from regret to ruin. God wants you to go from regret to reconciliation. Some people aren’t interested in doing the hard work of reconciliation. They just quit on the relationship believing the lie that the grass is greener on the other side. But the truth is the grass is greener wherever it’s watered. A great relationship isn’t something you stumble upon. It’s something you work towards. And when you focus on the good instead of the bad and are willing to apologize for your part in the conflict, you’re one step closer to the healthy relationship God wants you to have.

There are three phases of a conflict that we learn of from Song of Solomon 5-7. In this post we’ll look at phase two.

Phase #2: From Retaliation to Regret (5:4-8) 

Song of Solomon 5:6, “I opened to my lover, but he was gone! My heart sank…” Here we read of the inevitable consequence of being selfish, assuming the worst and retaliating. We regret it. The Shulamite here regrets that she assumed the worst, regrets that she acted selfishly, regrets spurning her husband’s advances. This is exactly how you and I will feel if act the same way.

So having covered THE 4 SOURCES OF CONFLICT in my previous post, let me now cover THE 3 SINS OF CONFLICT – three things you will definitely regret doing in a conflict.

1. Getting Hysterical (Proverbs 29:11). Proverbs 29:11 says “Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.” Some people have a short fuse and when conflict ensues, they quickly blow up like a stick of dynamite. Others let their anger build up gradually, but then like a teapot needing to vent steam, they start whistling. God says both are wrong. We should never be uncontrolled, letting our anger get the better of us. Why? Because as James 1:20 puts it “Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.”// Now – If you ever feel you’re about to get out of control, it’s best to call a time out. Solomon walked away from the situation for a bit, where he found some perspective and cooled off a bit. When he next saw his wife, he was prepared to have an amicable conversation. So if things are escalating, escalating, escalating – call a time out. Remove yourself physically from the situation for an hour or two. Hitting pause is better than hitting each other. If you want to avoid conflict, avoid getting hysterical.
2. Getting Historical (1 Corinthians 13:5). One guy once told me: My wife doesn’t get hysterical, she gets historical. That is, she brings up everything bad thing I’ve ever done every time we fight – even things that happened years ago! You will always regret getting historical. Why? Because you’re not perfect either and your spouse will take your getting historical as an invite to do the same. That’s when you’ll be reminded that you haven’t been perfect either. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says of love “…it keeps no record of wrongs.” If you want to avoid conflict, don’t ever, ever, ever bring up some issue that’s already been resolved. Micah 7:19 says that God throws our forgiven sins into the bottom of the ocean. The idea is that they sink to the bottom, never to surface again. It’s not that God forgets our sins – he just chooses to never bring them up again – never use them against us – he just forgives and that’s the end of that. When in conflict we’re going to be tempted to act like the devil (by being accusatory – Revelation 12:10 Satan is “the accuser”), but we’d be wiser to act like God (not bringing up someone’s past shortcomings). If you want to avoid conflict, avoid getting historical.
3. Getting Hurtful (Song of Solomon 5:3,6). We intuitively know how to hurt our spouse, don’t we? Men know that women have a deep rooted, God-given need for emotional intimacy, which comes through talking. So when a man wants to hurt his wife, he gives her the silent treatment – as Solomon did to the shulamite. In the same way, women know that men have a deep rooted, God-given need for physical intimacy. And when a woman wants to hurt her husband she withholds sex – as the Shulamite did with Solomon. Maybe it’s happened, but I’ve never heard of a wife trying to punish her husband by withholding emotional intimacy (refusing to talk to him). Ladies – don’t try that. He might be able to go for years and be just fine. Likewise, I’ve never heard of a husband trying to punish his wife by withholding sex. Guys – I wouldn’t advise you to try this approach! Women are like camels. They only need a drink here and there. Guys on the other hand, need a drink every three days or else they die! 🙂 But here’s the point: In this passage both the Shulamite and Solomon have felt resentful and so they retaliated. They felt hurt, so they hurt each other. And it led to regret. // Husbands – we have to be more careful with what we say than our wives do. Our wives could say the meanest thing ever and we probably won’t be able to remember what it was a week or so later. On the other hand – women can remember even something mildly disparaging for the rest of their lives (in incredible detail)! Remember what you did on April 4, 1971 at 7:23pm. You had that red sweater on…You get the idea 🙂 If you want to avoid conflict, avoid getting hurtful.

Ok. In phase #2 the couple went from retaliation to regret. They did things and said things and communicated things they instantly regretted.

There are three phases of a conflict that we learn of from Song of Solomon 5-7. In this post we’ll look at phase one.

Phase #1: From Resentment to Retaliation (5:2-3) 

Song of Solomon 5:2-3, I slept, but my heart was awake, when I heard my lover knocking and calling: “Open to me, my treasure, my darling, my dove, my perfect one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.” But I responded, “I have taken off my robe. Should I get dressed again? I have washed my feet. Should I get them soiled?”

Here we have Solomon coming home late from work and his wife (the Shulamite) is not happy about it. Maybe she made a nice meal that he missed and was now cold. Maybe after a long day she had no help putting the kids to bed. Or maybe this was the 50th time he broke his promise to be home from the office no later than 6pm. We don’t know, but whatever the reason for his tardiness she resents it. Solomon finally comes home from a long day of work and has one thing on his mind – some lovin! In those days the husband had his own room and the wife had her own room. So when Solomon came knocking on her door whispering sweet nothings, we know what he wants. But since she’s hurt by his coming home late, she rejects his advances. When she says “I have taken off my robe. Should I get dressed again? I have washed my feet. Should I get them soiled?” – that’s Hebrew for “I’ve got a headache. Leave me alone!” He let her know he wanted a snack and she told him “Sorry, the kitchen is closed until further notice!” She felt resentful and she retaliated. She punished him by withholding sex.

Solomon retaliated too. Solomon was charming so he tried to use his charm to win over his wife (men can be very charming when they want sex). He’s apologetically calling her all the little pet names he has for her (my treasure, my darling, my dove, my perfect one). And we know from verse 5 that he even put some of his cologne on the door handle so his fragrance would seep into the room and maybe soften her heart a bit. And look what happens. The Shulamite says in vv5-6, “I jumped up to open the door for my love…I opened to my lover, but he was gone!…I called to him, but there was no reply.” Solomon is now the one who’s resentful. He’s resentful that she’s rejected his advances. He’s turned on the charm and given it all he’s got and she’s not even willing to get out of bed to talk about it. So he storms off. Right when he does she finally has a change of heart, but by the time she gets to the door he’s already walking away. She calls out to him to come back but he gives no reply. She retaliated by withholding sex and now he’s retaliating by giving her the silent treatment.

From these verses we’ve just read we learn THE 4 SOURCES OF CONFLICT.

1. Unmet Expectations (Song of Solomon 5:2). She expected him to be home on time and he didn’t meet her expectations. He expected her to be ready for sex at the drop of a hat and she didn’t meet his expectations. This is where conflict comes from. Unmet expectations. // I am a very punctual person. I live by this standard “Five Minutes Early. Right on Time.” My wife lives by this standard “We’ll eventually get there at some point.” lol When I expect her to be ready on time and she fails to live up to my expectation the stage is set for conflict. // My wife is very neat. She lives by “There’s a place for everything and everything goes in its place.” I live by “I’m going to wear these jeans again tomorrow so why fold them and put them in closet? It’s more efficient to leave them out.” When she expects me to put my clothes away and I fail to live up to her expectation, the stage is set for conflict. So we see that the first source of conflict comes from unmet expectations. If you want to avoid conflict don’t set unrealistic expectations.
2. Selfishness (Philippians 2:4). Solomon selfishly wanted her to fulfill his need for physical intimacy, without caring at all about her need for emotional intimacy prior to physical intimacy. He’s been gone all day. He’s left her alone in the house all day. He hasn’t helped with any chores, hasn’t helped with the children, and then he expects her to be ready for a wild night of romance. That was selfish. In the same way, she was selfish in that she withheld sex from her husband to punish him. A husband only has one righteous outlet for sexual fulfillment – his wife. And when the one righteous outlet is closed, that opens up a husband to the temptation of fulfilling his sexual needs in an unrighteous way. This is what the Shulamite did with Solomon and it was selfish. A man needs to unselfishly think of his wife’s needs for emotional intimacy prior to physical intimacy, and a wife needs to remember that she is her husband’s one righteous outlet for sexual fulfillment and that rejecting his advances opens him up needlessly to temptation. This is why the apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7 that married couples shouldn’t deprive each other of sexual fulfillment. Paul says the reason is because denying each other opens us up to Satan’s many temptations. This is why there are so many affairs and why so many struggle with pornography. When the righteous outlet is not an option, people turn to unrighteous outlets. So we see that the second source of conflict is selfishness. If you want to avoid conflict do what Philippians 2:4 says “look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others.” In other words: Don’t be selfish.
3. Assuming the worst (1 Corinthians 13:7). No doubt the Shulamite concluded “He’s so insensitive and he only cares about himself!” No doubt Solomon concluded “She doesn’t care about my needs. And she doesn’t care about me!” Well, the Shulamite was wrong in her assumption that he was insensitive and didn’t care. The truth was that Solomon probably had an emergency in the kingdom that demanded his attention, as much as he would rather have come home for dinner with his wife. And  Solomon’s assumptions about her were wrong too. She hasn’t stopped loving him or caring for him. She’s just probably had a long day with the kids. And when he didn’t come home on time she had to put them down herself. She’s probably just exhausted. // There’s a reason there’s a  saying about assuming. You know the saying: When you assume you make an…Well, you know the saying. The reason we have a saying about assuming is because we are almost always wrong in our assumptions! // If I leave my workout sneakers in the bathroom after my growth group, Kristin can assume I’m insensitive and that I don’t care about what’s important to her OR she can assume I was super busy at work that day and left in a hurry and that it was unintentional. If I come home from work and dinner isn’t ready, I can assume my wife doesn’t care about me OR that she probably had a tough day homeschooling the kids – which put her a little behind schedule. It’s a choice. And the truth is: When you assume the worst you are almost always wrong – so start assuming the best in your spouse! Assuming the worst is the third source of conflict. If you want to avoid conflict don’t assume the worst. 1 Corinthians 13:7 says that love “…is always hopeful…” That means love gives the benefit of the doubt.
4. Retaliation (Matthew 5:39). Have you ever heard the saying “Hurt people, hurt people?” Well, it’s true. The Shulamite felt hurt by Solomon and retaliated. Solomon felt hurt by the Shulamite and retaliated. When we are hurt we want the other person to feel how we feel, so we retaliate. But this always escalates the conflict. This is why Jesus taught in Matthew 5:39 to turn the other cheek. Turning the other cheek is all about NOT retaliating, because retaliation always takes us a step further away from reconciliation. Retaliation is the fourth source of conflict.

So that’s phase #1: From Resentment to Retaliation. They resented each other, placed unrealistic expectations on each other, were selfish towards each other, assumed the worst of each other. This turned resentment into retaliation. Now they are in a full blown fight.

She says to Solomon in Song of Solomon 7:13, “The mandrakes send out their fragrance, and at our door is every delicacy, both new and old, that I have stored up for you, my beloved.” By chapter 7 Solomon and the Shulamite have been married for awhile. They are no longer newlyweds. But here they are still working at romance. When she says she has delicacies, both new and old she’s telling him that in addition to all his favorites moves, she’s got some new stuff she wants to try out. You see, she didn’t quit working at winning his heart just because they were married!

And guys, I want you to notice something: Solomon didn’t stop working at winning her heart once she said “I do.” This whole poem was written well into their relationship for it covers multiple stages of their relationship. That means that well into their marriage he was still writing her poems, writing her songs, and doing similar romantic things. He didn’t stop working at winning her heart just because they were married!

I heard the story of a elderly man who after 60 years of marriage was still working at bringing romance to his marraige. He made a special stop at a lingerie shop on Valentine’s Day in hopes of a special night of romance he had planned for him and his wife. When he got home they had a candlelight dinner and after talking for an hour, he gave her his gift. She went upstairs to try it on, only to realize it didn’t quite fit. She thought, “He’s almost blind, I might as well wear nothing at all” and that’s exactly what she did. When she presented herself to her husband of 60 years here was his response: For the amount I paid, they could’ve at least ironed the darn thing!” So the man’s romantic evening didn’t turn out quite how he wanted after that comment, but I give him props for trying – for continuing to work on the marriage after all those years!

• Husbands: Don’t give up on writing her poems, buying her flowers or opening up the car door for her. Great sex takes work.
• Wives: You have to work at it too. When is the last time you lit some candles and turned on some music? When’s the last time YOU initiated? How much sexy lingerie did you own when you first got married? And how much do you own now?

If you need help working at romance, let me recommend a book to you: A Celebration of Sex: A Guide to Enjoying God’s Gift of Sexual Intimacy by Douglas E. Rosenau. I know this will require some time investment on your part but again – the Bible says that great sex take work.

If this isn’t how you view it, then something is wrong. Song of Solomon 4:6, “Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense.” Here Solomon gives her breasts nick names. He calls one “mountain of myrrh” and one “hill of incense.” These are his new friends and he wants to stay up celebrating with them all night long. This verse reminds us that Lionel Richie wasn’t the first man to think up “all night long.” Solomon had him beat by thousands of years!

It’s so easy for something to switch from a delight to a duty. When I first got my snowblower, using it was a delight. I remembered how difficult it was to shovel and I would delight in the fact that the machine now just threw the snow wherever I wanted it to go. But that was last year. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to use a shovel. I’ve forgotten what a blessing my snow blower is compared to using a shovel. And with so many snowstorms lately, using the snowblower has become a duty. I used to pray that it would snow and then celebrate when I got to use it. Now it’s just a chore! But last Tuesday morning I was on my way in to work and I saw my neighbor shoveling his driveway by hand. I turned around, grabbed my snowblower and helped him out. When I remembered what it was like to shovel by hand I found a renewed appreciation for the gift and how privileged I am to have a snowblower.

Sex is a gift from God! It’s very easy to lose the right perspective on sex but we have to remember that it’s something God gave us to celebrate. It’s not supposed to be a burden, rather a blessing. It’s something to celebrate! It’s not a chore!

• Husbands: Your wife also has two needs: One is to connect emotionally before connecting physically. And the second is to live in an atmosphere and environment of love. You can’t treat or speak to her harshly and then wonder why she doesn’t view sex with you as a celebration.
• Wives: Your husband has two needs. One is physical and one is emotional. If you’re available but not involved (that is, if you’re just a bump on a log) your husband’s physical need will be met, but his emotional need won’t. That is, if you treat the experience as a chore, he won’t be truly fulfilled. True fulfillment comes when you treat the experience like the celebration it’s supposed to be. 

The Bible says great sex is a celebration, not a chore.