Even though almost 100% of us have lost a loved one, or have someone in our life that is hurting in some way, almost none of us have received any kind of training on how to appropriately reach out in love to someone who is hurting. And we have to be careful not to add more hurt, but to offer help. We don’t want to show up with a couple Christian friends and have the person in pain say of us what Job said of his friends: Job 16:2, “…What miserable comforters you are!” So here’s two tips from God’s Word that I’ve learned along the way. Here’s the first thing you do when someone’s world falls apart:
- Show up and shut up. When someone has just gotten news of tragedy, simply being there is the most important thing. And don’t worry in the car ride over about what you’re going to say. Trying to answer the question WHY is both impossible AND unhelpful in comforting the person hurting. Again, just being there is the most important thing. I’d recommend that you say very little, if anything at all. Job’s friends teach us this. Job 2:11-13, “When Job’s three friends…heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.” Job’s friends did a lot of things wrong once they opened their mouth, but they started off great. They showed up and they shut up. It was only when they started talking that everything went downhill. Remember: The best present is your presence. When someone is suffering your presence is more important than your counsel. When we try to start explaining the mysteries of life, we often get it wrong anyways, so it’s better to keep your words few. Hugs and tears help much more than cliche sayings and simplistic explanations aimed at assigning blame, not comforting the person who is hurting. Show up and shut up.
- Give your sympathy, not theology. Don’t say “God knows best.” That sounds like God had a plan to bring tragedy into someone’s life. Don’t say “God only gives us what we deserve.” This isn’t true (see Psalm 103:10). Don’t say “It was for the best.” That might not be true. Don’t say “He/She is in a better place.” Stop trying to make them feel happy about something they feel sad about. Don’t say “Just trust God.” This makes someone feel like they are a bad Christian. And when someone is grieving the last thing they need is to feel guilty for not measuring up spiritually. Those hurting need sympathy, not theology. They need expressions of love, not explanations. They need to know that it’s not their fault, and that you are just as outraged at the unfairness of this tragedy as they are, and that you too are crushed by the pain of this bad thing that has happened. It’s always appropriate to say “I’m so sorry” or “I’m praying for you” and to leave it at that.
If you’ve messed up in this area, don’t beat yourself up. Just make a commitment today to show up and shut up and to give your sympathy, not theology.