From Song of Solomon we learn of three types of attraction (physical, spiritual and emotional). You must evaluate whether or not all three exist if you want to build your relationship on a solid foundation. In this post we’re looking at…
Spiritual Attraction: Here you’re evaluating Character. Here you’re asking: Do they possess godly character qualities? Solomon and the Shulamite didn’t just find each other physically attractive, they also found each other spiritually attractive.
- She finds him attractive because of his good reputation (1:3, 1:4e). She says of him in Song of Songs 1:3, “How fragrant your cologne; your name is like its spreading fragrance. No wonder all the young women love you!” Song of Songs 1:4e, “How right they are to adore you.” In the Bible one’s name is synonymous with their character or reputation. Someone once rightly stated that our reputation is our character’s shadow. I like that because it’s true. If you have godly character it will result in a good reputation – and this was the case with Solomon. And she is clear that this is part of what attracted her to him – his godly character.
- He’s attracted to her because she is humble (1:5-6). In Song of Songs 1:5-6 the Shulamite states, “I am dark but beautiful, O women of Jerusalem— dark as the tents of Kedar, dark as the curtains of Solomon’s tents. Don’t stare at me because I am dark— the sun has darkened my skin. My brothers were angry with me; they forced me to care for their vineyards, so I couldn’t care for myself—my own vineyard.” Now the book makes clear how incredibly beautiful she was but she didn’t hold that high view of herself. In her humility she actually had insecurities about her looks. Solomon finds such humility attractive.
- The second thing we learn about her character from these verses was that she was hardworking. Though she was very beautiful, she didn’t sit around home brushing her hair and doing her nails 24/7 – caught up in vanity. Rather she was industrious and had a strong work ethic. This too Solomon found attractive – a woman who didn’t just look good, but had some practical skills in life and a solid work ethic. No doubt she admired his work ethic too for he also had a job In v.7 she asks Solomon “Tell me, my love, where are you leading your flock today? Where will you rest your sheep at noon?” Seeing that he had a job no doubt gave her confidence that one day he would provide for her. And she found this attractive. (Guys take note! You want to be attractive to a female? Have and hold down a job!)
In college I remember the conversation where I started falling in love with Kristin (my wife). We were sitting in front of one of the dormitories talking on the steps outside the front door. Since we were just getting to know each other we were talking about what we one day wanted to do. And I remember how Kristin went on and on about how she wanted to use her life for the Lord. I remember clear as day how this verse came to mind: Matthew 12:34, “For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” I remember thinking to myself: I like what’s coming out of her mouth and that shows what a great heart she has. Yes, I was very physically attracted to her, but I didn’t get serious about wanting to deepen the relationship until that conversation where I got a little insight into her godly character.
As I got to know her better I learned of how she got to college. Chances seemed slim that financially things would work out for her to enroll but Kristin went out and bought towels. These have come to be known as her faith towels. She was believing God to open the doors to that school so she went out by faith and bought the towels she would need for school once she got accepted. Let me tell you, after I heard that story – there was no turning back – I knew that she was the right girl for me! After this I knew I had found a woman of noble character (Proverbs 31).
- Godly character should be valued more than physical appearance (Proverbs 31:30). Proverbs 31:30 says “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” And the same is true of a man. Whereas physical attraction is a foundation of sand, spiritual attraction is a foundation of rock. The spiritual attraction is what you can really build on.
- Unlike physical beauty, godly character has no shelf life (2 Corinthians 4:16). As beautiful as she may be, as handsome as he may be – that’s usually fleeting – meaning, as people get older physical beauty fades away. But someone’s character can be attractive for life. As 2 Corinthians 4:16 puts it “…Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” Even as our physical bodies deteriorate over time, we can grow increasingly attractive in character. No matter how hard we work on the physical, that will one day be gone, but our godly character will continue with us into eternity. This is why we should put more focus on developing our character than our physical appearance. And this is why we should not only check for chemistry in the relationship, but also for character.
Your spiritual attractiveness will either enhance or detract from your physical attractiveness.
- I met a girl my freshman year of college that I thought was beautiful. We went on a couple dates – nothing serious thank God – because about a year into the relationship I found out that the whole time she was dating me and other guys on campus she also had a boyfriend back home. Over the course of that year I also discovered how vain and selfish and immature she was. When her true character was revealed she literally went from beautiful to repulsive.
- Here’s what’s really cool about character: While there are limits on what you can do to enhance your physical attractiveness, there are no limits on what you can do to enhance your spiritual attractiveness.
The essence of Christian character is found in Galatians 5:22-23 which says “…the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” If you wanted to grow in this area you could:
- Do a Bible study to learn what each of these character qualities are all about. If you need a recommendation, both Bill Hybels and Beth Moore have books on the Fruit of the Spirit and you might want to pick those up on Amazon or at your local Christian book store.
- Then you might want to set up a weekly or monthly time to evaluate yourself on how you’re doing at developing these various character qualities.
- However you do it, if you want someone to find you attractive for the right reasons, these are qualities worth developing in your life. If you don’t like the fish you’re catching, take a closer look at the bait you’re using. Could it be you’re trying to hard to attract someone physically, and not hard enough to attract someone spiritually?
- So here’s my challenge: Become the person you are looking for is looking for. If you want to find someone with godly character, then start developing godly character in your own life.